


Pain of the Past

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bisexual Dean, Castiel in the Bunker, Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, John Winchester Being an Asshole, M/M, Physical Abuse, Post-Episode: s08e23 Sacrifice, implied prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 21:11:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4407833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean goes to apologize to Cas and reveals some secrets about himself and his past. No one is really surprised by the final result. Except maybe Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pain of the Past

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not actually human, I'm just a big ball of sad Dean feels and there were some painful headcanons that I just had to turn into a fic.

The knock on the door is a surprise. Castiel doesn’t answer but the door swings open anyway, revealing Dean who looks about as upset and frustrated as Castiel feels. They were both wrong, Castiel knows that. He knows he needs to stop taking out his anger about the angels falling on everyone else in the bunker but human emotions are still overwhelming to him at times. Dean can’t really be blamed for snapping at him but the things he said were uncalled for.

Castiel is the one who retreated to his room and even though he expected Sam or someone else to convince Dean to talk to him, he thought it would take longer for Dean to give in. Apparently he isn’t the only one feeling awful about this.

Dean sits down next to him on the bed and after a few moments of silence he speaks. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

It seems like he’s steeling himself for what he wants to say next but Castiel shakes his head and cuts him off.

“I’m sorry too. I know I’m useless, I can’t even keep my emotions under control. I shouldn’t take it out on you.”

Castiel looks up from where he’s been staring at his feet and he’s not expecting the pained expression on Dean’s face or the way his voice trembles. “You’re not useless, Cas. I was being serious when I said I needed you. Why can’t you just…”

The sentence goes unfinished as Dean huffs and leans forward to gently capture Castiel’s lips with his own. Despite his surprise, Castiel doesn’t hesitate and tilts his head to deepen the kiss but Dean pulls away, shock and panic clear on his face.

“Dean? What’s wrong?”

If Dean didn’t want to kiss him then why did he-

Suddenly Dean curses and jumps off the bed, startling Castiel who is getting more confused every second. Dean is pacing next to the bed now and still muttering under his breath. Castiel is sure he hears something along the lines of 'can’t do this' and not for the first time he wishes he could read Dean’s mind.

“What’s wrong? What can’t you do?”

It’s a little louder this time and Dean stops and turns to him. He looks frustrated.

“This. You. Us. I want to…but you’re a guy…I just don’t know.”

He groans and buries his face in his hands and Castiel feels like he might have an idea what the problem is. “You want to what? Be with me? But you can’t because I’m a man?”

Dean nods and sits down again but he doesn’t say anything else.

“I understand that homosexuality is often frowned upon in your society but I thought…”

He’s not sure what he thought. Dean never outright displayed any homophobic behavior, he never seemed to have a problem with gay people when they encountered them during a job. Plus, he is best friends with Charlie. There has to be something else.

“What’s this about?”

Dean looks like he wants to say something but then he shakes his head and Castiel sighs. Forcing him to talk might be a bad idea if it’s really something that makes Dean so uncomfortable but at the same time it might help Dean deal with whatever it is he’s hiding.

“Talk to me.”

It’s a reference to their conversation in the motel room, the one Sam interrupted and Dean seems to notice it because he looks up and nods. They sit in silence for a few moments and Castiel watches as Dean tries to figure out how to start. When he starts talking his voice is quiet.

“I started noticing boys in high school. I had always looked at girls because that’s just what you did as a boy and of course I liked boobs and stuff but then there was also that. I didn’t really care, I still went out with girls because I knew everything else wouldn’t be acceptable. I never had a problem with gay people but I knew everyone else did so I kept it under wraps. Dad never asked about my sex life, I guess he just assumed that I was his perfectly straight son. I never mentioned anything to Sam. I eventually figured out that I was probably bisexual but I didn’t bother with labels because I only had sex with girls anyway.”

Dean is already visibly upset and by the looks of it they’re not even at the heart of the issue. Castiel is almost scared of what’s coming next.

“One day I met this guy and we made out behind the bleachers after school. It was just a bit of kissing and groping, we weren’t going for sex but that’s when my dad found us. He was looking for me because I was late and when he turned around that corner the other guy immediately took off. I couldn’t.”

Dean takes a deep breath and Castiel steels himself for his next words.

“He punched me. I don’t even know how many times. Called me a faggot and then said he didn’t raise his son to be some disgusting queer. He threatened that if I did it again he wouldn’t allow me to go anywhere near Sam anymore. I don’t even know how he was planning to do that with us living in motel rooms and the Impala but at the time I was terrified.”

Dean is shaking and Castiel shuffles closer on the bed, putting a hand on Dean’s shoulder. He still doesn’t dare to speak. He’s not even sure he could form words right now.

“When we came back to the motel Sam saw the bruises but dad just told him I got into a fight at school. We left town that night and after that I made sure to stick with women. But there were those times when…”

He trails off, there are tears forming in Dean’s eyes and Castiel can feel his heart break a little. He moves closer still, this time wrapping his arm around Dean’s shoulders.

“We ran out of money and food. Sometimes dad was gone much longer than expected and I couldn’t steal anything because I couldn’t risk getting caught and leaving Sam on his own for who knows how long. So I went to bars and I just…”

A few tears are falling by now and Dean chokes back a sob. He doesn’t need to say more, Castiel can imagine where this is going and he nods. Dean seems to understand and he attempts a smile that ends up more like a grimace than anything else. He keeps talking though.

“Every time I felt so disgusted with myself and I couldn’t look Sam in the eyes when I came back. But we had money to pay for food and more nights in the motel so that was really all that mattered. I stopped when Sam went to Stanford. I never even thought about being with another guy after that…until now.”

Dean glances up at him and he looks so lost that Castiel just has to pull him into a hug. He can feel Dean’s arms settle on his waist and he’s thinking about what to say when he feels more than hears Dean murmuring into his ear. “I don’t know what to do.”

It physically hurts to pull away but Castiel knows he has to. He needs eye contact for this conversation.

“Dean, do you want this? A relationship? With me?”

It’s a good sign that Dean doesn’t even have to think before he answers. “Yeah.”

Castiel smiles and nods. “Then we can do this.”

Dean still looks hesitant but Castiel doesn’t let him voice any doubts he might have and ploughs on.

“Dean, what your father did was wrong and you know it. Besides, he’s not here anymore. And if you care so much about other people’s opinions then I’d say the only ones that matter are those of the people you’re close to. Sam, Charlie, Kevin and Benny won’t care, they just want you to be happy. And remember, I’m new to this too so we can take it slow.”

He’s not expecting Dean to laugh and it catches him off guard.

“You know Cas, for an ex-angel with terrible role models and emotional outbursts you understand an awful lot about this whole ‘being human’ thing. I think you’re right, maybe this can work.”

Castiel knows he’s blushing and he smiles shyly. It’s nice to see Dean laugh again but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re having a serious conversation.

“Dean, I understand if you’re not ready to tell anyone but I also don’t want this to be our little secret forever, okay? I’ll give you some time if you want or we can go out there right now. I’m sure the others are still there.”

Dean’s smile falters and his expression goes thoughtful again. “I don’t know, Cas. I’m nervous but…I guess telling them now would be the better idea, right?”

Castiel shrugs, it’s not up to him to decide.

“It’s your decision to make. But if you want my opinion I’d say do it now. Otherwise you’ll just keep making up horrible scenarios in your head about how this could go and then you’ll never have the courage to do it.”

It’s even more confusing than the first time when Dean laughs again. He reaches up to ruffle Castiel’s hair and grins.

“You know me too well. I guess I should talk to them. Just to get it over with and out of my mind, right?”

He gets up from the bed, expression now weary, but before he can walk to the door, Castiel grips his hand and gets up too. “I think we should do this together. That is, if you want to.”

He intertwines their fingers and his heart skips a beat when Dean smiles and leans forward to press a light kiss against his cheek. “Thanks, Cas.”

 

\-----

 

They’re still holding hands when they enter the living room and four pairs of eyes land on them. Castiel would probably laugh at their reactions if he didn’t know how nervous Dean was.

Sam is gaping at them, Kevin has his eyebrows raised higher than should physically be possible, Charlie is grinning from ear to ear, and Benny is doing his best to hide his amused expression behind the newspaper he’s reading. Castiel squeezes Dean’s hand reassuringly but it still takes a few moments before Dean clears his throat and holds up their joined hands.

“So…this happened.”

It sounds a bit awkward but it’s a step in the right direction and Sam is the first one to find his voice again. “Holy shit, that apology went better than expected.”

It’s proof that Sam probably was the one who made Dean apologize and Castiel looks to the side to see Dean’s reaction. He’s not smiling but the corners of his mouth quirk up and he looks down before facing the room again.

“Yeah, it’s…it’s good. So…you’re all okay with it?”

Castiel can almost feel the nervousness radiating off of Dean but it loses in intensity when there are no immediate negative reactions. Sam just smiles and shakes his head.

“I kind of saw this coming even though I never expected it to actually happen. But yes, it’s totally okay.”

“I’m good as long as you’re not too loud and stay in Dean’s room because that’s farthest away from mine.”

Kevin’s comment has them both blushing furiously and even Dean cracks a small, embarrassed smile at that. Charlie is still grinning and throws a pillow at Dean who does nothing to stop it from hitting him in the face.

“See? I told you he’s dreamy.”

The comment confuses Castiel, especially when he sees that Dean blushes even further.

"But seriously, do you really have to ask me if this is okay? I mean the only thing I should be angry about is that you might out-gay me.”

Dean leans down to pick up the pillow and throw it back at Charlie who catches it, grin firmly plastered on her face. “No one can out-gay you, Charlie.”

She winks at Dean and then turns around in her seat. Everyone’s eyes are on Benny now, who finally emerges from behind the newspaper. Despite his earlier confidence Castiel is a bit scared that Benny will say something negative, but he just chuckles and looks at Dean.

“Brother, I saw you looking for him in Purgatory and I travelled with you both for some time. If you really think this is a surprise for me then that’s almost an insult to my intelligence.”

Castiel glances at Dean while three heads whip around and Dean is the center of attention once more. It makes sense, from what Castiel gathered Dean never really told anyone about what happened in Purgatory so it’s normal that they’re confused and curious. Thankfully no one asks any questions, Dean doesn’t look like he’d be ready to deal with another heavy topic like that today.

They agree to watch a movie instead and Castiel is insanely happy when Dean pulls him against his chest and they end up cuddling on the couch. Sam is spread out on the other one while Benny and Charlie occupy the armchairs and Kevin is nearly swallowed by the bean bag he’s sitting on.

Even though Dean still seems a bit tense at first he gradually relaxes when no one gives them any weird looks and by the end of the night his arms are wrapped loosely around Castiel’s waist and he occasionally presses kisses to his neck.

When they finally go to bed it doesn’t feel weird to slip under the covers together. They chose Dean’s room because it has the bigger bed and to comply with Kevin’s request should they do…things together in the future. Castiel agreed to be the little spoon and they’re still holding hands where Dean has his arm slung over Castiel’s waist. It’s dark and quiet in the room and Dean’s breathing has already evened out when Castiel gently squeezes his hand and murmurs ‘I love you’ into his pillow.

He closes his eyes after that and the last thing he feels before he falls asleep is his hand being squeezed, accompanied by four little words, whispered against his neck.

“I love you too.”


End file.
